Just A Phase

Mum is playing some old school songs by Fauziah Latiff really loud. The thing is, I always hear those songs more prominently being aired on the radio on weekends. So yeah, it sure feels like as if the weekends are already here. Haha! And indeed, it's gonna be a super long weekend coz of chinese new year celebration. Exciting much ayyy.

I surprised myself today by waking up automatically at around eight in the morning. Seriously?! Three weeks ago, I would have never been able to do it. I guess the whole waking-up-at-five-in-the-morning for the past three weeks has drastically altered my bodyclock. Though the first two weeks were really hard to get by, I do think that I am starting to get the hang out of a "structured timetable" all over again. Oddly enough, it made me feel really good. It's like I have something to look forward to every morning. Very much unlike those days when I'd only wake up at around noon (my earliest would be 11 am) and then just let time lull away in complete oblivion during the day before setting myself in for a very long night in front of the comp or what have you. And then the cycle repeats.

These past few weeks too, I've been embroiled in some deep thinking. I thought that I could never set my goals straight. Not just focusing on one single aspect, I am talking about my life in general. It's not easy to put a stronghold over the decisions you make. It's definitely tougher to act on them. Whatever decisions you make, they rely too much on the things that are going on around you. And you wonder why you have to make decisions in the first place. It's like when you decide to be a somebody or do something, no matter how much you will yourself to make it happen, something out there are just bound to turn everything upside down. Well, even if it does not totally disrupt the entire framework you've came up with, it will definitely invoke questions within yourself. Lack of conviction, guilt-tripping, obligatory notions, etc.

It can be tiring to keep explaining yourself. Or for me, I always find it hard to explain anything at all, for I find it difficult to convey my thoughts into meanings. I'd like to think that everything is written. That things can come about through sheer happenstance. But sometimes, I think I will myself too hard to believe in all of my unrealistic ambitions. I scare myself coz I think that I could never afford to make it happen. And then I am afraid of the influences around me. Of things that came upon by chance. Of uncertainties. Sudden changes. Missed opportunites. Practically everything that revolves around the possibilities of disrupting what I've always had in mind. So unpredictable...