Long Night

It's already the third day into February. It felt like yesterday when we welcomed 2009, and now it's already the second month??? How time flies. I'd been feeling a little depressed looking at the plants and trees around my neighbourhood area since the start of the year. If you guys noticed, the grass have turned yellow and the leaves on trees and bushes are practically wilting. It's a sad, sad situation... I figure the wind has been way too strong coupled with the lack of rainy days, that it must have been too much for those poor greeneries to withstand.

The state of those plants kinda reflects my dying enthusiasm to fulfil my new year's resolutions. Damn, not now! But it's true somehow, it's like plateau season now. Maybe I'd not gotten a proper foothold since the start of the year. I figure that I must have been a little too superficial in my quest to achieve whatever I want. So a good guess would be, I'd been doing things just for the sake of doing it and not bothering to keep track of my progress or build up on the level of intensity and whatnot.

One very good example would be, me blindly going for my jogging session every single day and STILL not being able to shed even a kilo. Obviously I am so stuck in my comfort zone, I absolutely refuse to get out of it by doing something a wee bit different from my normal routine.

Ouhh, that reminds me. I need to get a new pair of Brooks coz the one I'm currently using is already slanting to the left for my left foot and vice versa (I think I'd been using the side of my heels only when I move around). It's been hurting my feet, especially the right side whenever I'm out for my run. Thus, I need a new pair really soon coz I'd been feeling so unmotivated to run lately, no thanks to my slanted shoes. I'd missed out on jogging for four straight days dammit.

Another thing that has been making me feel so blue-y is the fact that I'm missing quiet weekday mornings at East Coast Park. I'd never been there since like forever! Ok wait, I was there during the CNY break, but that was a horrible sight to behold. The amount of tents and people were so overwhelming that the place was hardly peaceful.

When was the last time I headed over to Rock Number One man? I stopped going there for one reason or another. The one last trip I made there, I didn't sit on Rock Number One. I couldn't bring myself to, and instead, I sat on one of the benches nearby. Watching intently at my favourite spot, wondering why I'd rather keep my distance. I could only deduce that when some things are too special to you, it is just human nature to think that you are not worthy enough for it, so you end up thinking that it's better to keep the distance so that you can forever treat that place as a sacred one - untainted, for much longer. Or so I think. But shouldn't I be building bridges instead of burning them?

I swear this pretty much applies to my life in general. I lost count, the number of bridges I'd burned. I mean, shouldn't you work towards cultivating a really good connection with something that you are in favour of? That means continuing to get in touch with whatever that are special in your life? Say, if you appreciate someone for having done a great deal of things for you, isn't it only appropriate that you follow that up with much gratitude. That could mean, at least saying 'thank you' personally or show your appreciation by doing something. I'd consider that building a bridge.

Unfortunately, I am not the least bit capable of doing that. I tend to rob people off their good intentions and then I'd just run away without even saying thanks. It makes me feel horriby bad. It gets even worse when I keep pushing the guilt away, knowing fully well that it's gonna catch up with me sooner or later. Karma's a bitch. But how many bitches of karma do I wanna have come my way? I could live in anticipation to see myself get screwed upside down for being so selfish. But I can't stand the thought that the very people with good intentions, are being placed in a limbo. Coz what if they are suddenly gone? Am I gonna hammer myself hard for letting the chance to reconcile while they are still around, be gone just like that? They say you'll never miss the water until it's gone...